Knowing What you Want and Getting It

"I know its sorta silly, but i made a list of all the qualities in a guy that i cant compromise in a relationship. The list is kinda long, it has like 44 personality traits. I didn't put anything like loves going to Europe and has bulking shoulder muscles. They are all traits like: wont make me compromise my morals, has morals of his own, is respectful, ya know things a good guy will have. Now i know that there probably isn't a guy out there who will be all those things, so should i be worried if i have been dating a guy for a month and from what i can tell so far he has only matched up to 60% of the items on my list. Is a list a bad idea? - Jen"

Expectations. Expectations can be a huge factor when getting into a relationship with someone. If you ask a random married person if their spouse has all the qualities they thought they wanted in a match, they will most likely say no, but they love them anyway. When you are thinking about dating someone, expectations usually get in the way. When deciding whether or not to go on a date with someone, don't let your expectations misguide you into declining. I always say you don't even know real chemistry until a second date. So, it's worth giving it a shot even if they don't perfectly match up to what it is you think you want.

My advice to Jen: Burn the list. I don't mean that those things on your list aren't valid - we all want someone trustworthy, attractive, and honorable. But I say, burn the list. Make a new one. If you really want a list, make a "Me" List. Or, better yet, make a list of all the reasons that make YOU worthy. What are the things that you would like someone to value in you? What are the qualities you can bring to a relationship?

It really all boils down to a sense of control. Sometimes we fear the unknown, and it is this fear that can lead to us falling somewhere along a spectrum of fear associated with finding the one person that we've been looking for.

• You can go the way of Jen and try to control the situation to such a degree that you are setting an impossible standard that no one could match. These expectations become a gigantic wall that even Prince or Princess Charming couldn't scale.

Or...
• You have so much doubt about finding someone perfectly compatible that you actually reject the idea completely by either settling for something or denying yourself a relationship all together.

Between these two extremes is a spectrum and, whether you've admitted it to yourself or not, every "single" person has been on this spectrum at one point or another. The key to avoiding this is to focus on the things you can control by dating as the best version of yourself, which will put you in the best place mentally to find your ideal match.

I blame a lot of this on contemporary pop culture and what I call "The Curse of the Romantic Comedy." Guys: Hollywood has dealt you a very unfortunate card. Men like Matthew McConaughey, Tom Hanks, and Richard Gere have made your lives that much harder because the whole Romantic Comedy genre has made massive demonstrations of romance seem commonplace. If you weren't born with the romantic gene, then you’ve probably taken heat for this at one point or another.

Sorry girls, but the ideas of star-crossed lovers and happily ever after are only in movies. This idea of star-crossed lovers is often used as an excuse not to put yourself out there and take initiative. There is a unique balance between being open to love finding you and going out and getting what you want. If it feels like you aren't taking the correct dating initiative, I encourage you continue with these lessons to get to the point where you can go out and meet people. My philosophy is that you are most likely to meet someone you have something in common with when you are doing something you enjoy. So, go out and have some fun!

Finally, there is no such thing as and they lived happily ever after. I know, gasp. It is definitely time for us, as a society, to eliminate this cultural fallacy. Maybe we should change it to and they lived. And it is time to go out and do just that.

Authored by Loxie Gant

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