Love and Dating Jokes
The one thing you learn pretty quickly when looking for love is that if you're going to be dating, you're going to need a good sense of humor. These are some of the better jokes we've come across, if you have any good dating or love jokes to share, please let us know!Mother Knows Best
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."About a week later, Julie went to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
124 up, 13 down 
Good Communication
It was Friday night and Joseph and his wife, Natalie, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and were now giving each other the silent treatment, vowing not to be the first one to speak.However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always woke up at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am for golf with his friends. Not wanting to lose the battle of wills, Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,
"Natalie, please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9:00am, having missed the golf game with his friends. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bedside table.
It read,
"Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up."
81 up, 11 down The Fare
A teenager and his date were parked on a back road outside of town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads outside of town. Things were getting pretty serious when the girl stopped the boy and said "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver's seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.
Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."
56 up, 13 down Escaped Convict
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck, just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong, I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too!"
45 up, 10 down The Perfect Couple
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived.The question is: Who was the survivor?
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place anyway. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. (Women, that is the end of the joke, stop reading. Men, scroll down)
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, that means the perfect woman must have been driving. Which explains why there was an accident in the first place. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, it illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
52 up, 22 down For Women Only
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get excited and are leaving the elevator when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they're missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
40 up, 11 down Biology Class
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
29 up, 16 down Kids Say the Darndest Things
When is it okay to Kiss Someone?"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
How to Make Love Endure
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the garbage." (Randy, 8)
How Do You Decide Who To Marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." (Alan, age 10)
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." (Kirsten, age 10)
How Can A Stranger Tell If Two People Are Married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." (Derrick, age 8)
What Do Most People Do On A Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. (Lynnette, age 8)
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Martin, age 10)
Is It Better To Be Single or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." (Anita, age 9)
How Would You Make a Marriage Work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." (Ricky, age 10)
21 up, 12 down The Creation of Woman
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem.""Tell me, my child." God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great." said Adam.
"She will be, but there is a price, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally he asks God, "What can I get for a rib?"
27 up, 20 down Blind Dates
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him at the restaurant so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
21 up, 15 down